A FILM is supposed to have a beginning, middle and an end. Unfortunately, successful movies in Hollywood have a beginning, middle, an end and a sequel (or eight). If there’s money to be made, the story can be never-ending, except for The NeverEnding Story which apparently ended after number three. I’m still annoyed about that.
5: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Someone call social services because this is getting ridiculous. If my parents had left me in the dubious hands of two scumbag robbers, not once but twice, I’d sue the living daylights out of them, even if it meant watching my siblings scrounge for breadcrumbs while I enjoyed a nightly feast and fed the remains to my pet giraffe. Well I’m not sure my parents are quite that well-off, but I’d like to think so.
4: Jaws 2, 3 and The Revenge
“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the cinema….” If Jaws gave you nightmares because it was scary, the sequels gave you nightmares because they were shit. JUST MOVE AWAY FROM THE SEASIDE IF YOU’RE THAT TRAUMATISED!
3: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
They already ended the series! It was bloody good too, Arnie sank slowly into some lava with his thumbs up; I couldn’t even imagine a better ending. But there was money to be made, so the Governor (no, not Paul Ince) came back for a third slice. But hold up, I thought in the future John Connor was going to be some massive badass? I can’t believe they’re now sending a third ultra high-tech robot back in time just to kill this pathetic scrawny pet shop-squatting dweeb.
2: The Next Karate Kid (AKA The Karate Kid IV)
Hilary Swank has won two Oscars and I’m pretty sure both of them were for this movie. What’s-his-name from the first three was probably too busy enjoying mega-stardom to paint any fences this time round, so we’ve got a new generation of KK. By the end you’ll prefer the notion of a new generation of KKK.
1: Speed 2: Cruise Control
“Keanu? Yeah, we’re doing Speed again mate… yeah on a boat this time… It’ll probably be even more successful. What do you mean ‘no’?” This super-lame aquatic re-jig of a fine action movie sank without trace. The tension caused by having to avoid traffic and pedestrians is replaced by the tension caused by having to avoid mackerel. Still, at least the annoying bus-driving bird from the first one just happened to be there. Nice one Reeves, shite one Bullock.
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