Before the internet was invented, and we were given 24 hour access to ‘lulz’, television was well on the way to creating the next stage in human evolution, the couch potato. This creation, a beautiful leathery hybrid, was permanently glued to the idiot-box. Sadly, the couch potato is now a dying breed. I know all you people reading this article are beautiful well-rounded creatures that could think of nothing worse than a day plumped in front of the TV, but as a treat I’ll give you an insight into the day in the life of a couch potato.
1200: Wake up late, stay in bed on the internet until girlfriend makes pancakes.
I’m pretty lazy. That shouldn’t be surprising; I spend all day watching television. However my idleness has its problems. Everybody knows that kids’ TV is the best on the box. Why oh why do they have to put it on so early.
1300: Eat a pancake and cycle home, buy some KA because it’s KA Saturday. Slink straight onto the sofa and grab the remote. Start watching Pussycat Dolls present: Girlicious.
KA is the brand name for a set of ‘Caribbean themed’ soft drinks. I bought Karibbean Kola and black grape flavour. A potato is 80 per cent water and must be kept well hydrated at all times. Girlicious is a bit like The X Factor except exclusively with slutty-looking women. In other words it’s brilliant.
1350: Get bored of scantily clad woman, begin to channel surf. After a quick trip through Viva and 4Music, end up watching the end of Kyle XY on BBC2.
Before the internet, if you were surfing then the remote control was your board and the channels were your seas. Although that is a rubbish analogy in all honesty, the remote is a gift and a curse, like a really heavy sword. It is very useful when there is someone to fight (i.e. something to watch), if not you just have to carry it around everywhere (i.e. flicking listlessly), and that is tiring. Kyle XY is terrible, so I had a look at the coursework I placed by my side in case anyone accused me of being lazy. I couldn’t do it.
1400: BBC Switch Revealed is on asking who feels British?
It turns out, not many people. To quickly summarise, Scottish people feel Scottish, the Welsh feel Welsh and English people feel Libyan. They didn’t speak to anyone in Northern Ireland, scaredy cats.
1422: Nothing good on, my stomach is rumbling but I cannot be bothered to make lunch. See an advert for Pringles, followed by an advert for Rude Boy Food on the Good Food channel. Doesn’t help my hunger.
Did you know that each packet of Pringles contains 90 Pringles! On Rude Boy Food you can watch Aaron Craze, former apprentice at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant Fifteen, serve up a slice of smart ‘street’ food. By ‘street’ food he doesn’t mean road kill, no, its urban food, eaten by people from the mean streets. He’s not bopping down to the local chicken shop; he’s cooking sushi and Rude Boy Fish Pie. That may not sound so ‘street’ but Aaron Craze has a tattoo on his neck so he should know.
1505: Housemate turns on the toaster and the TV turns itself off.
The toaster short-circuited.
1518: Turn on the Sweeney. Sing the Sweeney theme tune.
1535: Turn on 4music; Miley Cyrus, Party in the USA comes on.
1548: Flicking aimlessly, waiting for the England game to come on.
1554: Put pizza in the oven.
1600: Put on Domino Day on Channel 5.
It’s a shame we have to wait a whole year until the next Domino Day. They broke the world record, toppling over 4 million dominos! Not only is watching dominos topple strangely hypnotic but the commentary was inspired.
1622: Eat burnt pizza.
I was too enthralled with Domino Day and forgot about the pizza.
1648: Domino Day is over. Switch over to ITV coverage of the England vs. Brazil game.
I really hate watching England play football; this was not helped by the coverage being on ITV. Watching the pre-match build-up I felt like tearing my eyeballs from my eyes in a fit of rage. The pundits were so misinformed I would have even taken Lawro as a replacement, and I hate Lawro.
1912: Finish watching England game, go to Burger King.
Couch potatoes do not have the best of diets. Might explain why I can never be bothered to get off the sofa.
1955: Get back from BK just in time for the X Factor.
2048: See awesome McCain’s advert
2055: John and Edward performing, watch intently.
Apart from Jedward and Olly Murs implausibly small hat, very little of note happened in X Factor.
2130: Turn on Have I Got More News For You on BBC2
2210: Receive offer to go out, but choose to stay in watching The Thick of It.
After watching a days worth of mind numbing rot its only right that I take in some more highbrow fare.
2240: Watching Noughties… What Was That?
The noughties formed the majority of my formative years so I was definitely in my comfort zone. Emos, mobile phones, posh cider, I know those things. At the start of this decade the BBC was awash with nostalgia show such as I heart the ’80s. I hope those make a come back.
2249: Need a wee, can’t be bothered to get up
2259: Had a wee.
I reached the stage where I’m was no longer functioning as a human, I became a sofa, information filtered in and out of my head like water though a sieve.
0000: Noughties…What Was That? ends, go to bed.
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