Ethical Dilemma

STRIDING WITH good cheer through Fallowfield last week, I happened upon a sight that stopped me dead in my tracks. Bustling around and about the bus-stop adjacent to the Golden Arches cutting into the Wilmslow Road skyline, was a pigeon with a McFlurry stuck on its head. Somehow the bird had contrived to wrap the ice-cream packaging around its neck, no doubt in an endeavour to plunder the tasty creamy McDonalds dessert cache lying within. It rather resembled a McFlurry with wings. And feet. Actually perhaps more accurately, as it was the white plastic removable top of the Flurry that the pigeon had donned, it appeared to be sporting one of those collars that vets give post-op dogs to stop them licking their stitches. The ones that look like upside-down lampshades.

It was a pigeon with a miniature lampshade on its head. It didn’t seem overly distressed (although not having a clear sight of its face, I concede that is mere speculation), but it was clear even to a layman like me that the pigeon would have trouble eating its usual victuals off the ground. Now, the dilemma that presents itself is obvious: what do I do for the poor fellow? While feeling no camaraderie with this feathered rat, I do not bear it sufficient ill will to simply leave it to its inevitable, oxymoronic fate of ice-cream-induced starvation.

At the same time, should I attempt to apprehend the bird to remove the item, it would quite sensibly fly away. (Actually, probably not fly, as the carton would possibly prove too much of a hindrance, but at least lopsidedly drag itself away from me with some urgency.) And I have no mind to chase a pigeon round Fallowfield. I’d look a fool if it outran me with an ice-cream on its head, and I have a rep to uphold. The third course of action open to me is to call the RSPB. But who takes precedence in these affairs? Under whose jurisdiction does this pigeon’s welfare fall? Even supposing I successfully contacted the correct organisation, I’d be expected to detain this pigeon until the emergency birdmobile or whatever turned up, and I have no clue whatsoever how one goes about detaining a pigeon. You can’t lay your fingers on anyone these days without risking a lawsuit, and I had no gadgets on my person or particularly relevant anecdotes to keep it entertained.

Thus, having pondered the paucity of the options in front of me for more time than this pigeon probably appreciated, I walked on, defeated. Was this right? Could I have done more? Should I? If so, what? My friend Nick once accidentally kicked a pigeon into a canal, but this cannot surely be a solution. To anything. Suggestions are most welcome.