IT’S EXAM time again! You can tell by the patterns of behaviour that start appearing around campus. For example, you notice a marked decrease in personal hygiene evident in the growing use of hats, even though the weather is getting warmer. That’s because many people stop washing their hair or even stop showering altogether. The stub is suddenly in fashion. In both cases lack of time is cited - unconvincingly - as the justifying reason. This is like saying you don’t have time to wipe your bum.
Another interesting phenomenon is religion. Some students remember God on the night of the exam and then forget him after the exam, only to remember him again at the next exam or when the results are due. Those I call the Yoyo faithful, playing “now you see me now you don’t” with God. Well, trust me, he knows better. Obviously this only applies to those who believe in God, although there have been cases of ‘born-agains’ who then become ‘die-agains’ post-exams.
The most common pattern of behaviour amongst students however, is procrastination. For example, when it’s getting close to midnight, you decide you don’t have enough energy and you’ll go to sleep to have an early start the next day. This is ironic, because during normal term time, you’d be preparing to go out around that time and dance the night away, (talking about lack of energy!). Of course the next morning, instead of an early start you sleep in.
You also suddenly develop a keen interest in telly, although there is a marked gender difference here. Girls like to watch fishy films, like Moby Dick or Free Willy, while guys, due to their short attention span, prefer shows like Willie Wanka and the Chocolate Fucktory (if you’re into those things). But both do however, enjoy ‘Sex on the Settee’ or some similarly sleazy sounding show.
Unsurprisingly there is a fundamental law of physics relating to procrastination; it states that ‘work expands to fill the time available’. So if presented with a one-hour task and three available hours, rest assured it will take the three hours. This law is fundamental in the sense that it is independent of what physicists call a frame of reference. So you may be under-graduate or over-graduate, postgraduate or pre-graduate, male, female, shemale, email, it doesn’t matter.
If you suffer from any of the above, don’t worry, this is a common condition known to psychiatrists as ‘Anxieties Related to Stressful Exams’, or ARSE for short. So keep your cool, don’t be an ARSE, and stop arsing around!
If you’re graduating this year and for whatever reason mess it up big time in the exams, don’t worry and remember the words of some wise person, “when at first you don’t succeed, re-define success”. Whilst the bugger was obviously a loser, he does have a point because, akin to beauty, success is in the eye of the beholder. If you’re a girl, your options are wide open.
The number one career choice for many a young woman nowadays is to become a WAG. Given the IQ of most footballers, this shouldn’t be much of a challenge, even with a 2:2 or less. Your second best option is to descend on London, preferably to the City, and hook-up with some rich bloke. Doesn’t matter if he’s old and bald, with a big belly and a small willy, as long as he’s loaded. Next, turn his life into hell (some women excel in this arena, although I’m not sure if it’s a natural talent or they undergo some rigorous training), he’ll divorce you and you get a hefty settlement.
Unfortunately if you’re a guy, your options are much more limited, as fortune tends to favour the beautiful. Who said life is fair? If you’re not yet ready for a sex change, then you’ll have to settle for flipping burgers. If however, you’re good with manual work, you may be able to lead the life of fame and fortune as a plumber. You might need to fake a Polish accent though to gain credibility in such a trade.
Whatever happens, you should revel in the knowledge that you are graduating from a worst class university, sorry world class. And remember, this is not just any university; this is an M&S university. Yep, that’s Manchester and Salford, or rather Madchester and Sadford. Good luck in your exams.
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