PEOPLE OF Britain: brace yourselves. I am sorry to report that this country has been the subject of an invasion and I fear it is too late to summon the famed ‘stiff upper lip’ and ‘spirit of the blitz’ that would stave off the assault on our shores. Contrary to the likely expectations of the reactionary right-wing press, the invaders aren’t Eastern European immigrants or terrorists. If only those uptight bigots had been watching their consumer habits instead of doling out diatribes for firmer border controls. Now we’re being destroyed as a result of our own complacency.
To most effectively devastate a society, the best tactic is one of stealthy demolition from the inside. The horror that now threatens us has infiltrated in such a manner; firming its malignant grasp on the country through the retail sector and our citizens’ crippling lack of control over their sweet tooth. Our all-conquering enemy? Krispy Kreme: the fearsome all-American doughnut chain-store.
If you’ve ventured to the Trafford Centre recently - itself a morbid monument to cold-hearted commerce - you may have noticed the new Krispy Kreme unit opposite. The branded building isn’t very big, but there’s enough space to accommodate seating, service counters and an on-site factory set-up arranged with see-through glass so that visitors can watch the confectionary creation procedure. Via a production line of machine and oven parts, little doughnuts journey along conveyer belts gradually cooking and taking shape until the final steps where they are assembled into boxes or on to the counter.
Witnessing the mechanised mass-production, I can’t help but be reminded of archive footage from World War I of munitions factories churning out shells to blow apart human beings. The only difference is that the baked goods manufactured on-site at Krispy Kreme kill through cumulative artery clogging instead of straight-forward obvious explosions. It’s all too easy to be mesmerised by the slick, specialised technology that works seamlessly to cook the doughnuts, but don’t be fooled by its apparent transparency. This is a systematic war machine, of which the Nazis would be proud...
To add to the horror of this macabre machine-age vision, at the end of the conveyer belt stand the sinister staff of Kripsy Kreme. It’s heartbreaking to think that beneath the uniform and stapled-on smile these used to be real people, but alas we’ve lost them to the lure of the despicable ring. They’ve sold their souls and now act out their jobs with manic glee offering the most psychotic customer service ever (either through company pride, or a perpetual sugar rush brought on by doughnut bingeing). Once upon a time, sedatives and straightjackets would have been ordered upon these individuals. Now they are the cheery troops of the coup.
I’d have thought, or at least hoped, that the diabolic doughnut’s outpost in the relative hinterlands of Trafford Retail Park - in the shadow of Barton Bridge and not far enough away from the nearby sewage works to escape the stench on windy days - wouldn’t have lasted. Krispy Kreme’s belligerent designs on Manchester would be aborted and the evil rings would return from whence they came. Sadly, the opposite has happened as the chain is opening a new outlet in Piccadilly Gardens. From the out-of-town retail park to the heart of the city, Krispy Kreme is inching its way to world domination and soon will have the United Kingdom drowning under a glut of its unholy holey snacks. What used to be a high-calorie foreign fancy that only existed in Hollywood cop films will have got its ghastly, greasy grip on our previously pure nation, now wheezing under the weight of mass obesity and homogenous American culture.
Unless Jamie Oliver can stir up another crusade, it’s too late for us all now. Krispy Kreme may appear glowingly benevolent in their bringing of doughy gifts to our dour land, but beneath the glazed exterior lurks evil intent: one doughnut ring to rule them all. Soon Krispy Kreme will have brand-bombed their way on to every city-street and hypnotised the entire population into worshipping their saccharine wares. The ring has closed around us: we’ve sleepwalked into sugar-coated subjugation. You only have one choice left: chocolate or cinnamon?
Have a rest man, im sure even che guevara had a doughnut and coffee break at some point, when he needed a rest from executing people who werent communists.
This opinion piece is ever-so-slighly hysterical.
"Witnessing the mechanised mass-production, I can’t help but be reminded of archive footage from World War I of munitions factories churning out shells to blow apart human beings." Persoanlly, it brought to my mind images of a bakery churning out baked products, but that's not as dramatic an analogy.
Also, though I agree that the Americanisation of British culture is not necessarily a good thing, I'd hardly call two branches of Krispy Kreme "world domination", especially given that they're actually in two different cities. Statistically, that leaves Krispy Kreme well behind McDonalds, Starbucks and Subway in the world domination stakes (None of which are mentioned in this article), and the fact that they're American doesn't make it any more sinister than what our own homegrown supermarkets are doing. Given the choice between another branch or two of Krispy Kreme or yet another variation of a Tesco superstore on my doorstep, I'd rather have a sugary snack any day.
There is an element of personal choie in all thi, and if people choose to drive to the Trafford Centre specifically to actively seek out masses of sugar-coated baked goods, then they only have themselves to blame when the profits are used to open more chains in more populated areas. If we didn't line these companies' pockets, they'd soon shut up shop and disappear.
So what are you going to about it James, beyond writing a slightly hysterical, moaning opinion piece?
My word, this really is looking into things a little too-deeply isn't it?!
They're DOUGHNUTS man, get a grip on yourself!
Yes, it's been shocking the amount of a stir the new Piccadilly Gardens store has caused amongst doughnut lovers, even now 2 weeks or so after it's opening, there are still queues out the door!
But this is no reason to go all poetic and pessimistic on the fate of Great Britain!
They're only doughnuts, and darn nice ones too!