Sometimes a certain Hyacinth Bucket touch is required in the bedroom to ensure everything goes smoothly. Here are a few common prickly sexual situations and our esteemed advice on how best to handle them. Enjoy.
Scenario A: Valerie and Ralph return home from a delightful evening of vodka doubles and gentle gyration in Tarts. Ralph, feeling quite frisky, begins to work his wicked magic on Valerie, however, Valerie, with a nine o’clock looming wants to hit the hay. ACTION: Women - try to accommodate the carnal urges of the other sex and Men - understand that women sometimes want sleep more than a rough fumble of the breasts.
Scenario B: Bob, Tracey, Steve and Katherine are friends. Steve and Katherine were a couple but split rather dramatically in a fight involving a small troll. Recently, chemistry has been building between Steve and Tracey to the horror of Katherine who has, in return, been flirting with the attractive but simple Bob. ACTION: Steve - talk honestly with both girls, only if there are genuine feelings should you intrude on a girly friendship. Katherine - he’s moved on, so should you. Tracey - be careful, although their relationship ended, getting with a friend’s ex is always dangerous territory. Bob - try not to fall over too often.
Scenario C: Sarah and Harriet, presuming solitude, are sharing a candlelit anniversary bath. Things are getting steamy when they hear an awful kerfuffle downstairs as their housemates return from a stimulating evening of Mecca bingo. With the bathroom door wide open, the couple are in a bit of a pickle. ACTION: a) feign a plumbing catastrophe, you have merely removed your clothes to avoid clammy-jean syndrome. b) Pretend to have just concluded a voluntary life-drawing class for the over 80s. c) Simply froth up the bubbles so they cover your more intimate parts and smile innocently.
Dirty Geoff and Naughty Nige
NEXT WEEK- The darker side of sex… what happens when things go wrong. Any personal stories of sexual injuries or mishaps will be greatly appreciated. Confidentiality is guaranteed (except for the entire university population).
Comment
Have your say, tell us what you think...