Dida and Co All Set For The Big Stage

THE ISSUE of play-acting in football has come to the fore once again after the shocking behaviour of Brazilian goalkeeper Dida in the Champions League group game between Celtic and AC Milan. Dida was not having the best of nights. He was clearly at fault when he failed to hold onto a shot from Gary Caldwell, gifting the winner to Scott McDonald in the final minute of the game.

While Celtic Park erupted, a dejected Dida turned away to see a manic, and in all likelihood, a very drunk Glaswegian charging towards him. The homicidal madman, as Dida would have us believe, then floored the keeper with one devastating punch.

Except it was more of a stroke than any kind of GBH. In fact, Dida started to give chase before realising that maybe something could be gained by collapsing to the ground. Perhaps, the match would be abandoned and the result overturned. He was wrong. His reputation as a very average goalkeeper is now preceded by his newfound reputation as an even more average actor.

Dida is not the first South American goalkeeper to try that routine. Back in 1989, Chilean goalkeeper Roberto Rojas was a desperate man. Chile were losing 1-0 to Brazil in a vital 1990 World Cup Qualifying match which they had to win. A firework was thrown onto the pitch, and in the smoky haze, Rojas fell to the ground to arise minutes later with blood pouring from his head.

But Rojas was left to look the fool when television replays clearly showed that he had not been hit at all, but had pulled out a razor blade and cut himself in a technique he must have learned while watching WWE. Brazil were awarded the match 2-0, thereby ending Chile’s hopes of qualification. Chile were also banned from entering the 1994 World Cup and Rojas was banned for life.

Rojas must be saluted for pure effort in his preparation. How many footballers think to carry razor blades during a match, just in case they might have a chance to pretend they’ve been hit by a firework? Where did he keep the blade during the game? However much we might raise our noses at these kinds of incidents, they are becoming more and more prevalent in English football, at all levels of the game.

Dishonourable mentions must go to Robert Pires, Arjen Robben and Cristiano Ronaldo, three of the greatest actors to have graced the stage that is the Premier League. Even the hardest man in the world, Nemanja Vidic, crumbles whenever he is touched while in possession of the ball. Without the ball, he is like Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, but with it he’s more like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

So what to do? I propose an end of season Premier League musical, so these budding thespians can be given the chance they obviously want. I for one think that Didier Drogba would make a great Joseph.